Target Announces Official Decision To Conclude Protester's Boycott Against Itself
"We've decided that the amount of time boycotting us has been sufficient and may now end. Shoppers shall resume patronizing our stores, effective immediately." (satire)
March 14, 2026 - In a move described by officials at the The 50501 Movement resistance organization as “a desperate hope on their part that their announcement would somehow confuse all of us enough into just going ahead and shopping there again,” Target CEO Michael Fiddelke gave a formal statement at a press conference held on March 12th, 2026 that the boycott against their entire chain of nationwide retail stores, which was announced on January 30th, 2026 and officially began February 1st, 2026, is now officially over, hence their recent corporate decision to bring it to a close. “While this wasn’t an easy decision for us to make, after much deliberation and a corporate board vote, we managed to all get on the same page. We feel the boycott has run its course and we’re excited to welcome everyone back.” The announcement came as the company reported an estimated $12 to $15 billion in lost market value over the course of the boycott period, a figure Target did not address at the press conference.
At time of press, Target stock rose 0.4% on the announcement before falling 6% forty-five minutes later. A spokesperson for the 50501 organization responded to news of the stock movement with a one-word statement: “Good.”
Reports also emerged this week of consumers receiving unsolicited mailers from Target at their home addresses. The mailers, printed on cheerful red cardstock, read: “We know you know where we are. We know you’ve driven past us. We just want you to know that we’re here. We’ll be here. Whenever you’re ready. We’re not going anywhere. Come home.” Several recipients reached for comment described the mailers as “a lot.” One woman in suburban Minneapolis said she received three. “The third one had a photo of a Target store with a banner on the building that said ‘Welcome Back, Carol.’ I assume they just mocked that banner up for the photo on the mailer. I have to assume that.” She has since adjusted her daily commute to and from home.
Separately, consumers have also reported receiving hang-up calls from numbers identified as Target corporate, as well as voicemails. “I had three missed calls and a voicemail,” recounted a 29-year-old graphic designer in Seattle named Annie. “The voicemail was like, ‘Hey Annie… it’s Target. Just letting you know we got some brand new selections of our art prints in, that we remember you used to be into when you shopped here… before… things got weird. So… hey, you should pop in and check them out sometime. And, you know… maybe we can catch up. No pressure. Do you still have that one of Yosemite? You always did have good taste, Annie.’ Then there was this long pause before it just… disconnected.” Annie confirmed she had not visited a Target since February. She did not return the call.
In a statement, Target said the corporation remained “optimistic about the path forward.”
Meanwhile, employees at the Costco located approximately four miles from Target’s corporate headquarters in Minneapolis reported a pattern of unusual activity in their parking lot over the past several weeks. A figure driving a late-model black SUV has been observed parking near the entrance on multiple occasions before abruptly leaving whenever an employee happened to witness the vehicle. “I couldn’t make out who was driving, but I could tell dude was just sitting there staring,” said one Costco employee who asked not to be identified. “And I’m pretty sure I could see a parking pass with… let’s just say a familiar logo hanging from the mirror. And, I don’t know, but I think they spotted me looking, ‘cause then they just peeled out and took off like a damn road bandit.” Target did not respond to requests for comment.
Target stock closed down 14% for the day.
😂 "Good."